| Motormouth and Killpower in "The Long Way Home" Written By Travis Hiltz |
Across the multi-verse, there are an infinite number of Earths, strung out like some celestial pearl necklace through space and time. Like snowflakes, no two earths are alike. Each unique, due to some difference in it's history.
And there are those who possess the ability to cross the dimensional barriers as easily as most people cross the street...
This earth is designated 128 and it has just given up its life force to feed the Godlike alien being known as Galactus.
He stands, contemplating thoughts no mortal can even guess at, as he studies the instruments that hover in front of his majestic armored form.
The only sounds that make any attempt to intrude on his contemplation are the weak, mournful cries of this world's few remaining inhabitants, the swirl of the thin breeze and...
Clang!
"Take that!"
Clang!
"Don't know... (huff) who you're messing with!"
Clang!
"You... big ... antler (puff) headed ... jerk!"
Two figures stood at the feet of Galactus.
The male was a towering mass of muscles. His red pants and tank top struggle to contain not only his muscular form but a multitude of holsters for a variety of weapons as well. His face is a grimace of righteous anger, and his reddish hair is sweat plastered to his head as he rains blow upon mighty blow against the ankle of Galactus.
His companion is a slim girl in her early twenties with white ,fashionably short, hair. One of the bangs dips over her right eye. She wears a skin tight, blue body suit, a leather jacket adorned with a variety of pins and badges and a pair of red high-top sneakers. One ear has several piercings in it and there was a thin disk of metal, implanted into the skin, at the base of her throat.
They are the time/ space/ dimension hopping duo, Motormouth and Killpower.
And at the moment, Motormouth did not consider this one of their finer moments.
She watched as her traveling companion vented his mighty rage against the devourer of world's ankle, her arms crossed, occasionally rolling her eyes or giving out a sigh.
With no sign that Galactus was even aware of their prescience, Motormouth decided enough was enough.
"Okay, give it a rest, you pillock!" She shouted, slapping Killpower on his heavily muscled shoulder. " You've been at this for twenty @#$* minutes! What was your plan if you actually got his attention?"
Killpower ceased his attack and turned toward his friend, his forehead wrinkled with thought. "Um... hit him ... some more?" he suggested.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Come on, that's enough fun for one day. I think we should follow the big G's example and get something to eat."
"But, Harley," Killpower protested in a childish tone. " He's a bad guy! He needs to be taught that he can't just go around eating planets. Especially, if somebody already lives on them."
"You really are just one gianormous muscle head, you know that, Julius?" Motormouth replied. " Look at him! The Fantastic Four can barely handle him! We can't save everybody. Some days, you just have to say 'Well, we tried our best, now who's for a curry?'"
"Ummm...?" Killpower replied, thoughtfully. He peered up at Galactus, then at the devastated landscape, then back towards his friend. " Can I get a burger?"
"Fine, but if you're saying that just to get the Happy meal toy, we get it to go. You've had us at every McDonalds in seven dimensions, I need some real food. Besides we gotta get back to the apartment. The roaches have probably taken over the place by now and evolved into a superior culture."
"Okay."
"Good," Motormouth said, her forehead wrinkling in concentration. " 117 West Wallaby Terrace, here we come."
With a 'blip' and and a flash, they were gone.
Galactus glanced down at his left ankle, shrugged and went back to his lunch.
They blipped back into existence in the middle of a lush jungle.
"What the %$^&*?" Motormouth muttered. " This isn't right!"
"Ooh, jungle," Killpower smiled. " It's like that video with the dinosaurs, Jerry asskick ...no, Jury arsenic..."
"Jurassic Park, lunkhead," Motormouth snapped. " I don't get it. I thought I was getting better control over the m.o.p.e.d*."
( *m.o.p.e.d. is the device surgically implanted in Motormouth, that allows her to travel through time/space/dimensions etc.- Trav)
"Maybe," Killpower suggested. " we landed in the right place, but the wrong time..."
"Great, now I'm Doctor Who. It feels like Earth though, so maybe you're right. Julius. Stranger things have happened."
While Motormouth had been working to refine her control over the m.o.p.e.d. device, it still seemed to have a mind of it's own. She wasn't entirely convinced weither these 'wrong turns' were the device taking them where it felt they should be , as part of some kind of higher destiny, or if it just did it to piss her off. Today, she was going with option B.
"Uh-huh, so," Killpower said, thoughtfully. " instead of arriving at dinnertime we arrived during the Mesozoic era...!"
"Oh, enough with the $%^# dinosaurs!" Motormouth exclaimed. " I am trying to figure out where we are and I don't need you babbling on about a bunch of walnut brained, %^&$#ing lizards!"
"Smile when you say that, pilgrim." A voice behind them growled.
They both turned, as the foliage parted and the new arrival stomped into the clearing.
"Oh, give me a %^&*ing break," Motormouth said.
"Neat!" Killpower gushed, reaching for his guns.
Towering over the duo was a Tyrannosaurus Rex, the fiercest of all predators during the age of the dinosaurs. This one was pale orange and wore a black vest with white fringe, red cowboy boots, a gun belt, a red bandana and there was a tiny black cowboy hat perched atop its massive head.
"Mammals!" the cowboy dino exclaimed, drawing a pair of over sized six shooters. " I hates mammals! If there's anything that I hates more than one mammal, I reckon it's ... two mammals!"
"How does he reach his guns so quick with those tiny, little arms?" Killpower pondered, tapping one pistol against his chin in thought.
"Slap leather, ya mammalian jaspers! Since the last mammal I went after got away, guess I'm gonna have to kill one o' youse twice, just on general principle*."
(* a No prize to the first person that can tell me who was the last 'mammal' to cross this guy's path.
And no I didn't think him up. Somebody at Marvel got paid to come up with an idea this goofy-Trav)
"I don't think so ... um... pardner!" Killpower exclaimed pointing his guns, each roughly the same size as a beer keg at the glaring, dino gunslinger.
"Julius, don't encourage him." Motormouth tapped at the disk in her throat. " Catch you later, Barney."
There was a 'blip' of other-dimensional energy as the T-rex fired both guns into the spot they'd been standing
"Cornsarnit! Not again!" It grumbled.
"Well, that's better," Motormouth said, as she and Killpower found themselves sitting on a park bench on a warm summer's day. They attracted a few curious stares by the strolling patrons of the park, but were otherwise left alone.
"Is this Hyde Park?" Killpower asked, holstering his guns.
"Dunno," Motormouth shrugged. " Looks like London though. I reckon we should be able to hop a cab and get back to the apartment. As long as nobody notices you're lugging round more firepower than the Israeli army."
"What?" Killpower asked, baffled, that anybody'd object to the small arsenal strapped all over his outfit. "I only brought a couple?"
"We gotta get you a duffle bag or something, Julius. It's tricky enough getting you to blend into a crowd ... are you listening?"
Killpower had looked away and was now peering intently up into the sky.
"What?" Motormouth asked.
"Up there," her partner replied, pointing up.
"So, help me, you holler 'made you look!', I'm gonna twist your ... holy %^&*$!"
A red, white and blue blur went streaking past, followed closely by a bright flash and an explosion. Killpower and Motormouth ducked behind the bench as something slammed into the ground, mere feet away from where the duo sat. Which was pretty pointless in Killpower's case. The bench could have easily hidden safely behind him. Killpower was much more resistant to damage from random explosions than your average park bench.
"What was it?" Killpower asked, having drawn out a laser rifle and pointing it at the new crater.
"Dunno, looked like a bloke in ..."
A man climbed out of the impact crater. He wore a familiar red, white and blue costume.
"Look!" Killpower exclaimed. " It's Captain Britain! We made it!"
A second costumed figure landed near the crater Captain Britain was climbing out of. He wore a bulky suit of armor that covered him from head to tow. His jet black battle-suit shown in the sun. His helmet looked like a bucket with a visor and mouth-grill set in it.
"Bah! This is Britain's defender?! I, the Black Bludgeoner, will bash you like a bug!"
"What the %^&*...?" Motormouth mumbled.
"Neat!" Killpower exclaimed. "Look, Harley! He's got those ion finger cannons, I was telling you about and... ooh! a knee cap grenade launcher with ..."
"Julius, he's not an action figure, he's gonna kill Captain Britain! We gotta do something!"
Captain Britain climbed out of the crater, looking shaky, but sporting a knowing smirk. He clutched something in his right fist.
"Not while I've got the one thing that can halt your rain of terror, Bludgeoner! Catch!" Captain Britain tossed the object at the hulking villain, who caught it and then froze.
"I don't &^%$# believe this...!" Motormouth snorted. " He's gonna fight that git with a...?! "
"Mostess fruit tart!" the Bludgeoner exclaimed, in ecstasy. " Nooo! Must ... resist ... light, flakey crust ... sweet fruit filling.... mmmm! Rhubarb...!!!!"
" Do you think he'll share?" Killpower muttered. " Rhubarb's my favorite."
"Oh, stuff me!" Harley shouted, grabbing her partner by the arm. " I am not sticking around this $%^&ed up world. Let's go."
Blip!
"By the Power of Greyskull...!"
Blip!
"Hulk want Freddie Prinz junior!!"
Blip!
"Chandler, Phoebe, Ross! Fantastic Friends assemble!"
Blipblipblipblip!!!!!!!
There was a blinding flash of light, all reality swirled and folded in upon itself and when our heroes came to, they found themselves lying on a carpeted floor, in what appeared to be a modern office building. The walls were beige, there were potted plants in the corners, easy listening music was playing, and a bored looking young woman sat at a desk, reading a paperback novel.
"Hello, welcome to the Time Authority," she said in a bored voice. " If I could have your names, the numbers of your planet and/ or temporal zone of origin and the planet and/or temporal zone of your destination..."
"What?" Motormouth said, sitting up. "Where...? I...?"
"The room is very spinny," Killpower observed from the floor.
"This is the Time Authority," The receptionist explained. "There has been a incident on earth 597 and it has disrupted all inter-dimensional travel. If you can fill out this form, someone will be able to assist you in resuming your journey. The waiting room is to your right." She leaned across the desk and handed Motormouth a clipboard with several pieces of paper on it and a pen.
The waiting room looked like every other waiting room, from every office Motormouth had ever been stuck in. The chairs were uncomfortable, the magazines were six months old and there was more easy listening music playing.
The only differences were that this waiting room was roughly the size of a football stadium and there were a lot more aliens then you generally saw at the social services office.
Motormouth found two empty chairs for them, between a very tall guy with a huge bald head, dressed in a toga, on one side and a blue mermaid on the other.
The big headed guy was flipping through a magazine. The mermaid was playing with a couple of action figures.
Killpower slumped in his seat, still dizzy from the barrage of blips, while Motormouth stumbled through the paperwork involved in getting them home.
"I'm bored," Killpower sighed. "We gonna be here long?"
"How the &^%$ should I know? Grab a magazine and let me finish this!"
There was a flash of light and a brown bulldog, about the same size as a Volkswagen, appeared in front of them. It looked around, gave a disappointed snuffle and vanished.
"That was a big dog," Killpower commented. " We should get a dog, Harley."
"Uh-huh, whatever," Motormouth replied, not looking up. " What the smeg's a 'spectrumal designation of optical sensory organs'?"
"Eye color," The bald man in the robes said, not looking up from his magazine.
"These magazines are boring, Harley," Killpower said. "I'm gonna go look for a soda machine or something..."
Motormouth nodded and chewed on the end of her pen.
Killpower stood up, then ducked down as an asian woman in a Captain Britain uniform went flying by.
He shrugged his massive shoulders, holstered his guns and went in search of a snack.
Killpower tried to be polite and not shoot anybody that bumped into him, while also remembering to say 'scuse me', as he made his way through the hundreds of rows of chairs.
Two aliens, shaped liked giant salt shakers, moved about the room, threatening to ex-term-an-ate' anybody that didn't acknowledge them as rightful rulers of all time and space, a half dozen versions of Captain Britain flew around the room, a family of dinosaurs dressed like american tourists asked him to take their picture, and then Killpower stopped for awhile to hear an impromptu concert by Elvis, John Lennon and Glenn Miller.
Killpower then spotted, what he thought was, a soda machine in the corner of the room. It turned out instead to be a twenty foot tall, rectangular slab of polished black marble. It leaned against the wall making a low pitched humming sound. Killpower leaned forward, peering into the blackness.
"My gosh, " he breathed. "It's full of stars!"
"Hello, Harley. Should've guessed I'd spot you here." The speaker was an elderly man with a bushy white mustache. He wore a robe of regal purple over a body suit of plastic armor. His helmet was also purple, tall with a peaked cap and side flaps of cloth.
Motormouth gave him a surly glance, then returned to her paperwork. His smile was kindly and wise.
"You show a keen interest in this earthling, Time Guardian," The bald man said.
"Yes, Watcher, that I do," The old man replied. " Harley, and her companion have a destiny before them."
"There is an aura about her of both omni-dimensional as well as temporal energy," The Watcher mused. " Intriguing. "
"Yes, she is a fascinating melding of..."
"Oi!" Motormouth said, standing up. " Enough with the 'talking about Harley in that aloof, act like she's not even in the ^%$# room' tone! How bout one of you brain boxes actually doing something useful, like getting me home so I don't have to deal with anymore of this %^&$ing paperwork!?"
"My Watcher's oath..."
"You see, the web of time..."
"Figures," she fumed, storming off.
She found Killpower, sitting Indian style on the floor. He was keeping an alien toddler amused by rolling a silvery, metal ball back and forth.
"Hi, Harley. Can we go home now?"
"Not unless I get some &^%$ peace and quiet to finish all these ^&*% forms!" she snapped, slumping into a nearby chair.
"Aha! It is her!" a voice growled.
"Oh, what now?" she muttered.
Stomping towards Motormouth were three massively built men wearing various bits of weaponry and leather harness'. It made them look like a trio of evil WWF wrestlers or bouncers at a seedy S+M club.
"There's the strumpet that cost us our job!" One of them announced. " Haven't forgotten the Bad Boys, have you*?"
(*Motormouth first encountered these charmers in #7 of her old series-Trav)
"I think me and my friend here," another snarled, holding up a vicious looking knife, "would like to get reacquainted with the young lady."
Harley gave the evil trio and once over glance then looked at Killpower.
"Julius, do me a favor...?" She asked, nodding towards the Bad Boys.
"Really?" He asked, eagerly.
"Sure. Just take it over there, so I can try and finish these forms."
"Deal. Hold my ball." He unslung two massive concussion blasters from his gun belt and leapt to his feet. "Playtime!!!"
"Oh dear," one of the Bad Boys muttered.
Seven minutes later...
"Harley, I'm bored," Killpower said. He was sitting on a pile of unconscious Bad Boys, polishing and reloading his guns. Several nearby chairs were burning and there were numerous scorch marks on the carpet. He and Motormouth had a large area of the waiting room to themselves as most everyone else had fled once the shooting started. "Can't we find somebody that'll help us get home?"
"I'm trying Julius, but so far, we have been surrounded by useless $%^&* ing..."
"I can assist you." A voice said, from the chair next to Motormouth.
"Julius, your ball is talking to me," Motormouth said. "Um... hello...?"
"Greetings," the silver ball said. It was about the size of a grapefruit and shone in the waiting room's fluorescent lighting.
"So, you know alot about filling out forms?" she asked.
"Not really," The ball replied. " The lack of hands makes holding a pen tricky, but as one of the most highly advanced ( and it's not ego talking, because I am a machine) artificial intelligence programs in the known multi-verse, I am capable of navigating all kinds of inter-dimensional interference."
"Is that good?" Julius asked.
"I think so," Motormouth replied, dropping her clipboard and picking up the silver ball. "What do you need to do to get us outta here?"
"Well," the ball muttered, as a disk of glowing blue appeared on it's surface. A pencil- thin beam of blue energy traveled from the disk the the spot at the base of Motormouth's throat where the M.O.P.E.D. unit was implanted. "Oh, how quaint, nano-circuitry using block-transfer computation. Just access temporal/dimensional/spatial origin designation... reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and..."
All three where engulfed in a sphere of sky-blue light and then faded from the waiting room to arrive in the dusty, but homey living room of 117 West Wallaby Terrace.
One look at the interior of the refrigerator and Harley was more than happy to take Killpower out for a burger.
Seconds after they'd left, two alien beings approached the now empty chairs.
Both were tall and skeletally thin, their oddly jointed limbs reminiscent of insects, but their heads were similar in construction to terran horses. They wore breast plates of red and kilts of gray. The taller of the two carried a staff of crystal.
"Instructed you, this one did, that this one would return in four time units." The staff holder snorted. " This one had merely to drop off the forms! Did this one not say, stay and watch over the G'narr -d'lashe?"
"Use of the facilities was required," the other alien muttered, apologetically.
"Did this one not instruct to go before we left? Are you unknowledgable of the havoc that could be unleashed if the G'narr-d'lashe came into unworthy hands? Now, this one and his secondary must scour space/time till it is found."
"&^%$#." the younger alien muttered.
To be continued..
.
someday...Maybe...if Barry lets me...
